6 Ways to manage defiance if your children: When 'No', 'Stop', and 'Don't' no longer work.

There are a few rules that I make sure to stick with as we go about our day. Usually I save those stop commands for unsafe situations. I attempt to catch them before they happen and sometimes they happen too fast to catch in the moment.

Imagine this: you wanted to do something fun for your child and take them to the park after school. The afternoon has been sunny and it would be nice to spend time in the beautiful weather! However, right when you arrive, in complete excitement your child sprints towards the playground and runs through the parking lot. You yell out, "STOP! Come back!" and thankfully they make it to the sand box unscathed. Right after you tell them to "play nice with others." you later see them throwing sand in the air and yelling "its raining!". While you attempt to have them apologize to the children in the sand box, they run up the slide while smiling and laughing, hoping for you to chase them. As you try and grab their leg, you repeat "Don't climb up the slide, get back here" hoping that other parents are focused more on their children, not witnessing this 'hot-mess' moment. While they climb up the slide other kiddos are going down and get tangled enough for a brief moment of pause and taking advantage of the situation, grab kiddo and discuss appropriate behaviors. If they continue to misbehave, make a plan for next time and provide limits around behaviors that you noticed earlier.

Emotions and excitement, especially when they are really excited and dysregulated, can make family outings more challenging with increasing behaviors to manage at unexpected times and in an environment where you as a parent has less control. When you're out in the community, dysregulation can happen quickly. If that is the case, I would save the time out sequence for home and provide privilege removals in those moments. Always remember the 70/30 rule and that children can always earn privileges back if they display compliant and helpful behaviors. Sometimes the excitement from the day and the activity can give them monkey mind, making it more challenging to follow directions, remember directions, and slow down impulsivity. And for you, making it challenging to get a word in, repeat effective directions, and the feeling of judgement from other parents increase.

In this moment, if your child is in line of site, go take a seat and take a few mindful breaths while you look around and feel the sun on your skin. Once you feel a bit better, your kiddo may have come by to check in or may have settled down in their excitement enough to have positive interactions with other children at the park. During this time, come up with a plan for next time and what expectations you would want to provide to your child before the next family outing. If you are able, attempt to inform kiddo your expectations for the rest of your time at the playground and time frames for when you plan on leaving. If you need to provide effective directions, this would be the place to do it!

Here are some things you can say to your child:

1. If behaviors in the community are not ideal, make sure to state helpful behaviors before the next outing. "While we are at the store, you need to hold on to the cart. If you are able to do that, we can watch a show when we get home or have more tablet time/time at the park. If we are unable to listen, there will not be any extra time today."

2. If you are in the community and you find yourself in the moment dealing with non-compliance: "We need to make sure that we are listening and following directions. If I tell you to come see me, you need to come see me. If we are able to follow my directions, we can have more time at the park. If not, then we have to leave."

As parents we try and guide our children through life with establish rules. What happens when your child says "no" or flat out ignores your request (accompanied with a side eye glance)? get some push back when setting boundaries with our children. They are curious beings, rightfully so! For our children to learn and grow, they will need to explore their environment. That comes with a bit of defiance and boundary pushing. Defiant behavior in children can be challenging for parents and can impact the child's relationships with authority figures and peers. Here are some steps you can take to help manage defiant behavior in your child:

1. Stay calm: Take a quick break if you need it! It's important to remain calm and composed when addressing defiant behavior in your child, as responding with anger or frustration can escalate the situation.

2. Set clear rules and consequences: If you can, beforehand establish clear expectations for behavior and consequences for breaking the rules. Be consistent in enforcing these rules and consequences.

3. Foster positive relationships: Building positive relationships with your child can help reduce defiant behavior. Spend quality time with your child, listen to their perspective, and show appreciation for their positive behavior.

4. Identify the cause of the behavior: Remain curious! Understanding what is causing the defiant behavior can help you address it more effectively. Talk to your child and try to identify any underlying stressors or emotional issues that may be contributing to their behavior.

5. Encourage positive behavior: Reinforce positive behavior by praising your child and rewarding them for meeting expectations and following rules.

6. Seek outside help: If the defiant behavior continues and becomes difficult to manage, it may be helpful to seek the help of a mental health professional, such as a school counselor, psychologist, or family therapist.

Sometimes reminders are helpful in remembering expectations. Each child may be different in this specific need. Providing to-do statements can support an increase in your child's compliant behaviors. It is important to approach defiant behavior in a compassionate and supportive manner, as this can help your child feel understood and valued. Be sure to take time for yourself, a 5 minuet break can really support regaining more control over your behaviors and how you want to approach the situation. A positive and constructive approach to managing defiant behavior can help your child develop self-esteem, confidence, and positive relationships. When in doubt, use your social supports for a break and find time for self-care. This parenting stuff can be hard work and you deserve down time with no interruptions!

You got this! I believe in you!