8 Less Effective ways to increase compliance.

Do you find that between yelling and screaming to pleading and making threats your kiddo's behaviors are not improving? Are you more frustrated with how it ended and feeling guilty for another bedtime routine gone wrong? Check out these eight common ways that could set you up for failure rather than having more successful interaction!

1. When you use too many words.

Don't confuse the kid! Attempt to make your directions short and sweet. For example, try "Kiddo, brush your teeth now, please" rather than "Now, after you are finished with getting on your pajamas, you're going to need to go brush your teeth... because... and don't forget to... and furthermore..." Keep it simple, silly!

2. When you nag or scream.

Children will often react from a place of emotion which may look like compliance in the moment, however, will leave a more lasting impact on internal body sensations when they respond to stress. For example, (in a very loud voice) "Its already past your bedtime, you never do what I ask! Why can't you be like your siblings? I need to go for a drive, this place is driving me crazy!" This may get kiddos to begin their bedtime routine with haste, however, it would be coming more from a fear based compliance than kiddos responding and complying out of love and respect.

3. Being too vague or unclear in your expectations.

Statements like "Let's not do that anymore" provides your child many options for what "that" could be. Giving your kiddos specific behaviors to modify and time frames can provide more clarity on expected behaviors and increase compliance.

4. Asking questions or using threats.

"Can you turn off your video games and go brush your teeth?" or "If you don't turn off your video games now, you're going to be grounded for a long time." This is a common strategy for obtaining compliance through passive parenting and fear based parenting. Attempt to remain consistent in utilizing the effective direction: "name, do X now, please".

5. Asking while feeling depressed, begging, or pleading.

"Will you just go and do what I say? Can't you be a good boy and do what mommy says?" or (very flat with downcast eyes) "All I need is for you to turn off the video games and go brush your teeth...(sigh)". This allows room for negotiation and arguments which will increase negative and noncompliant behaviors if you're unable to redirect behaviors. Attempt self-regulation and take a break before engaging in a limit setting sequence.

6. Saying it in a hostile or sarcastic tone.

"You call those teeth brushed?!" If we are feeling angry, frustrated, and upset its best to walk away for a few minutes and come back after you are feeling in a better place to problem solve and manage conflict from your kiddos. What we don't want to happen is having contempt through our tone of voice or facial expressions. Stress can impact our mood as parents. Take a look at some helpful and unhelpful ways to cope with emotions.

7. Long distance communicating.

(As you're standing at the top of the stairs) "Go get ready for school!" Does the person you're talking to know that you're talking to them? Can they hear you? If you said yes to either of those questions, how would you know since you wern't in the same room? Providing eye contact is useful with increasing compliance as it informs the child that they are the ones their parent is speaking to, not their sibling. Can you hear me now?

8. You find yourself saying "stop", "no", and "don't".

"Don't do that! Stop!" Minimize stop commands and pair with start commands. For example, "Don't go in the street. Stay in the yard." This would be a great time to increase more use of effective directions and "to-do" statements.