My Kids Don't Get Along! What to do about sibling rivalry.

Anyone who lives with anyone knows that co-existing can bring some conflict. Sibling discord is a given, this will happen and happen often. Whether it's about sharing, taking turns, or other emotions they may feel, conflict provides opprotunity for your child to buid up their communication and problem solving skills while also navigating emotions and using their regulation tools! More often than not, they will need additional support with structured guidance during those sibling disagreements. Many sibling rivalry that concerns most parents report to me arise due to a variety of reasons, including:

1. Competition for attention and resources: Children may compete for their parents' time and attention or feel that they have to compete for limited resources such as toys or food.

2. Differences in personality and interests: Doesn't this ring true to you? Kiddos may respond different than the other sibling or what you remembered growing up. That's what makes them unique and knowing how your children will respond to stress can be used as a strength in how to attend to that distress. If you know that a certain game causes increased distress, attempt to remove the trigger or provide reassuring statements while guiding them through frustration tolerance strategies, mindfulness, movement, and distractions. Siblings may have different temperaments, interests, or personalities that lead to conflict.

3. Inequality in treatment: If one kiddo thinks that their sibling is getting treated differently, they may voice it in this way, "You don't punish them like you do me." or when they tattletale on their sibling. When siblings feel that they are being treated differently or unfairly by their parents, it can lead to feelings of resentment and competition. Attempt to validate their feelings and attempt to turn the focus on how that experience impacted your child and support them with ways they can navigate through conflict with problem solving skills. Even a, "What do you need?" in a positive tone of voice can help provide a more in-depth discussion and can support an increase emotional awareness and intelligence.

4. Role ambiguity: If this isn't identified, kiddos will tend to put themself in a role regardless of if you wanted them to be the mediator, scapegoat, family clown, and others. Children may struggle to establish their roles and place within the family, which can result in competition for power and control.

5. Developmental differences: Age is important and influence the ability to self-regulate when in distress. The younger the kiddo, the more reactive. Siblings of different ages may have different developmental needs and abilities, which can cause friction and conflict.

It's important to address the root causes of sibling rivalry in order to reduce its negative impact on children. That will take some time and line of sight supervision of their play to get a good idea of their triggers and response to their emotions. When this happens often and when you're doing your observations can take some time out of your day. This can get tiresome, however, continue looking into what could be the main triggers for your children's conflict. Sibling rivalry is a common issue in many families, and can be a source of frustration and stress for parents. Here are some ways to manage sibling rivalry:

1. Encourage positive relationships: Those pro-social skills are important! Encourage your children to play together, share, and cooperate. Teach them how to resolve conflicts and problems in a positive way.

2. Establish clear rules and consequences: Knowing limits are important. Let your children know what behavior is expected and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules.

3. Avoid playing favorites: This can be challenging at times, however, try to be fair and consistent with your children, and avoid playing favorites or comparing them to one another.

4. Provide individual attention: If you're able to do this from time to time, it may support from not doing #3. Make sure to spend quality one-on-one time with each child, which can help to reduce feelings of jealousy and competition.

5. Encourage teamwork: If you value family, how would you like them to treat one another? Encourage your children to work together on tasks or projects, which can help to build a sense of teamwork and cooperation.

6. Praise good behavior: Catch your children being good and praise their positive behavior. Here are some good Ways to Praise!

7. Be a good role model: It's important to practice what you preach. Show your children how to treat each other with kindness and respect.

8. Teach problem-solving skills: When your child is regulated, teach them how to solve problems and resolve conflicts in a peaceful and constructive way. If they need time to reflect, that's okay. Be sure to follow up and make sure they understand the choices and behaviors that contributed to the conflict.

If you had siblings growing up, you can probably sense that sibling rivalry can be a normal part of growing up, and that most children will outgrow it as they mature and develop better social skills. It can be a concern when there is increased aggression and negative attention seeking behaviors. Here are some ways to support siblings and reduce sibling rivalry:

1. Encourage individual interests and strengths: Kiddos want to be seen and known for individual interests. Encourage each sibling to explore their own interests and strengths, and celebrate each unique quality.

2. Foster positive relationships: Create opportunities for siblings to spend quality time together, engage in shared activities, and have positive interactions.

3. Avoid comparisons: This will happen at times. Make sure to recognize when you're comparing either you child to others or your own self as a parent to other parents. To avoid making comparisons between siblings, emphasize that each child is valued and loved for who they are, not what they do.

4. Encourage teamwork: You've heard it before: "Team work makes the dream work". Encourage siblings to work together and support one another, rather than competing with each other. Here are some activities to do with your kiddos to encourage teamwork.

5. Teach conflict resolution skills: This is a skill that will need to be taught in a supportive environment and when the kiddo is regulated. Teach children how to resolve conflict in a positive and respectful manner.

6. Encourage empathy: This is another skill that is grown through your own modeling of empathy as well as your encouragement while they are on a playdate. Encourage children to understand and consider each other's perspectives and feelings. Here are some ways to encourage empathy.

7. Limit competition: Siblings will naturally compete against one another. Limit opportunities for competition and emphasize the importance of cooperation and support. Here are some inclusive activities to try today!

8. Provide consistent discipline: Consistency is Key! Provide consistent and fair discipline that holds both siblings accountable for their behavior, without playing favorites.

9. Address specific behaviors: Kiddos do well when they know which behaviors are specifically needed in that moment. As much as we want to tell them to "be good", try to tell them something more specific, such as "Remember to take turns and share with others!". Address specific behaviors that are contributing to the one-upping dynamic and help children find alternative ways to express themselves.

Hopefully this is a helpful guide to show you that sibling rivalry is typical in a family, however, can be a great opportunity to build on skills that will last a lifetime! It is important to consistently model and reinforce positive behaviors and to have open and supportive communication with each sibling. With consistent effort and patience, parents can help to minimize sibling rivalry and promote positive relationships between siblings and make conflict in your home more manageable.